Dear Women Friends

It’s been a while, but I’m packing to move and only have a few minutes. This subject has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks so I decided it’s something I need to write about.

A few years ago I read a book called How to Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by M.A. Sandra L. Brown.

It may seem weird that I, a happily married woman, would need to read that, but the truth is predators don’t care if you are married or not. The reason I read the book was that I was in a very low time in my life and an old friend came along. He developed an unhealthy relationship with me that was very hurtful in the end. At first it was euphoric because I thought he truly cared, but as time went on it became obvious that he was in it for the ego boost and I was not the only target. It was never a physical relationship, completely emotional and entirely inappropriate and damaging. 

That’s all I’m going to say about that situation, but since that time I have known other women who have experienced similar situations so I want to recommend this book to all women, whether or not you are married or in a relationship or not. Keep your eyes open and your heart guarded. With much love ~

Here is a helpful checklist from the book:

Red Alert Behavioral Checklist

The emotional predator:

  • has a natural instinct for sensing vulnerable or “sensitive” women
  • senses women with low self esteem
  • senses women who want or require relationships in order to feel needed or fulfilled
  • senses women who are bored, lonely, or needy
  • senses women who are on the rebound from having been recently dumped, divorced, emotionally ignored, or wounded
  • senses women’s body and eye language
  • listens closely to what a woman says in order to pick up clues he can use in later conversations
  • senses unfulfilled physical intimacy needs and sexual needs
  • creates a sense of fun and mystique to draw you in
  • is smooth and seems to have all the right lines and insights into you
  • comes on fast and strong and sweeps you off your feet
  • is overly interested in every detail of your life
  • wants to move in together or get married quickly
  • implies that he “knows” you well before he has spent enough time to really get to know you 
  • pushes you to quickly disclose a lot about yourself to him
  • tries to fulfill your physical, financial, or emotional needs
  • seeks to fill roles in your life, such as advisor, father figure, spiritual leader, mentor
  • is overly helpful, comforting and understanding
  • has the exact same interests, values, hobbies, etc that you do
  • is a chameleon who can be all things to all people

3 thoughts on “Dear Women Friends

  1. Thank you for writing this post, and letting women know it’s okay to discuss this topic. And thank you for being a great friend during some very hard times in the aftermath of my relationship to a predatory opportunist. He appeared so loving and helpful after my parents died, but even though several people try to warn me, I was in denial. Even if I expressed a slight doubt, he had such a smooth, convincing response, and it was hard to think clearly through everything in the vulnerable state I was in. I just wanted the happiness in the moment and pushed away The cost of not listening to my friends and my own instincts – those ‘red flags’ in the back of my mind – was a huge emotional and financial blow for myself and my children. My one piece of advice for anyone in any relationship after a trauma, especially if you have children, is to listen to your instincts – they are there for a reason. And keep your finances separate. Guard your heart AND guard your wallet, because you and your children are the only people you owe anything to.

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